I’ve gone a month without writing. It’s not that I didn’t want to write. It’s just that I’d been thrown into a loop about why I write what I write and who I’m writing for.
If you’ve been following my blog, you know I hit a setback when I was blocked from a Facebook group for speaking up about what I believe are oppressive economic systems, aka systems that are on the verge of crumbling into the old world, aka systems that pretty soon will stop working.
That was one of the first major rejections I’ve had to contend with in years, probably my entire life. I may have been rejected tons of times but mostly by people whose opinion I didn’t care much about, so I had moved along quite easily, pleasantly into life.
But this time, I was rejected by someone I looked up to. Someone I had put on a pedestal. Someone for whom I had moved my schedule around so I could listen to him talk about the things I love to talk about. And getting rejected by someone whom you almost idolized hits harder than a ton of bricks.
Some people would take that as a sure sign that they’re not worth it. If someone on the Internet whose posts you like so much because they seem to, uh, resonate with you all of a sudden treats you like you don’t matter at all, then isn’t that proof that you don’t matter at all? That was how it felt like for the first two minutes.
But thank God for past rejections by people I cared for because I am learning very quickly not to take anybody’s opinion of me too seriously. And thank God for all the inner work I had been doing since my father passed away—in fact, even before my father passed away—because I am learning to take things in stride and turn them around to my advantage.
So instead of getting butthurt about getting banned by this world-famous business coach, I began to see a new path opening up in front of me, once that’s much more me. You see, I had been struggling for years trying to be somebody who isn’t completely me. Most of you probably know the writer because that’s how I’d been presenting myself. Some of you think I’m a workaholic because I’m always either hacking away on my laptop or using work as an excuse to not go to social events. Some of you know my inner bitch because she’s there no matter how sweet and nice I try to be. The most discerning of you may know that I’d been trying too hard to be someone I wasn’t, until I realized it. But if you’ve been following me lately, you may be getting to know a truer, happier, more confident me.
That last part there’s the most genuine part of me. It’s not simply an image I’m trying to project because it’s the cool thing to do. It’s the result of the years of processing my own feelings of ugliness, insecurity, and grief in the later years. Of course, I’m not completely there. Even though it feels like a graduation, a completion of sorts, it also feels like a whole new beginning. Then again, isn’t that what endings really are? And besides, none of us ever get completely there, perhaps until our souls decide it’s time to leave Earth.
And even though it feels like I’m turning into a whole new person, I’m starting to realize that there’s nothing new all along. This has always been me all along. The girl who likes to write from the heart, not from an outline. The girl who likes to work because she learns so much from it. The girl who likes to be the boss because she sure as hell knows how to be a good one. The girl who likes to dress nicely just because. The girl who looks at the world with eyes of wonder. The girl who’s no longer embarrassed about her crystals and angel cards and her talking to the wind and sun. The girl who believes she comes from a fairy tale or a fantasy book and will find herself in one someday.
But also the girl who’s not there yet and probably won’t ever be completely there for as long as she remains in this human shell. And the girl who’s perfectly okay with that. The girl who knows she’s been through her own version of hell and back. And the girl who’s gotta keep on working on her inner self, day in and day out. The girl who’s not perfect and fine with it. The girl who tries to see everybody in their light—yes, no matter how hard it is to do so for some people—not because it’s the right thing to do but it’s the thing that feels right.
These parts of me have been there all along. They didn’t magically show up just because I’ve done some meditation or recited some prayer. They were there all this time, waiting for me to realize them. And those parts of you that you’ve been desperately trying to hide and crush will always be there all along. Have you noticed I like to write about myself a lot? It’s not because I’m a selfish bitch. I write about myself because it’s the best way I can to write to you.
Social media gurus tell people like us—you know, people who want to catch your attention away from the million other things on the Internet—to write about you. They tell us to appeal to your emotions, offer solutions to your problems, step into your everyday lives and try to catch your attention from there. They tell us to write about you, you, you because you don’t care about anyone or anything else. They tell us it has to be all about you, you, you.
In a way, that’s true. And in a way, it’s completely, absolutely fucking untrue. The way they tell us to treat you is to treat you like a sorry old statistic. Like you’re just someone behind a screen with a problem we can magically solve so we can shout “Next!” when you’ve invested in us. And I personally am done with being a person with a problem that somebody can solve for me. That’s not who I am.
And that’s not who you are either. Nobody is just a problem somebody with a solution can solve. There’s so much more to you than that. You’re not the things that make you go mad or sad. You’re not your everyday struggles. You’re not your big dreams that you can’t seem to reach for. And, yes, those things are part of your human experience, but so are the things that make you fall crazy in love, and the things that make your eyes light up and your heart flutter, and the present realities which were once just dreams that seemed to be so far away.
And also, who you present yourself to be is often not who you really are. And that’s a problem because life’s not gonna meet you where you want to go if you’re not willing to go there in the first place. You see, life responds to us accordingly. If you’re willing to give life 100%, you’re gonna get 100% back, and more. If you’re wishy-washy about it, then wishy-washy is what you’re gonna get.
If you’re only about that part of you that solves other people’s problems, then no doubt the people who can’t solve their own problems will flock to you. If you’re only about the part of you that seems to have it all together, it’s gonna be that much harder when it hits. Trust me on that one. I know.
It’s not about getting rid of some aspects of yourself. It’s about allowing the other parts of you, the parts you normally shove under the covers, to come out in all their full glory. It’s about allowing yourself to be all of you, no matter how unfashionable, unprofessional, or unacceptable you may seem to others.
And that’s why I keep talking about myself. Because only by talking about myself and my experiences in allowing myself to show up with all these weird, little bits and pieces of me can I encourage you to do the same. I can’t write to you with a step-by-step plan for doing it. I don’t have a tried-and-tested strategy that’s gonna take you from Step 1: A Complete and Utter Mess to Step 277: A Whole New You. That’s not how it works.
But that’s how the mind wants it to work. The mind likes all these step-by-step guides and easy, convenient ways to do life. It doesn’t like the twists and turns that actually make up all of life, which is problematic, isn’t it? Because life doesn’t want the crumbs that you so reluctantly give it. Life demands all of you—every little awkward, nasty, beautiful piece of you—and nothing less. No pretensions. No hiding under the covers. Are you willing to give all it takes, or are you happy to stay in your own corner and blame the government, the church, the capitalists for your inability to be who you truly are?
Don’t worry. The world isn’t going to think you’re a selfish bitch for showing up fully as yourself. People won’t point at you and whisper behind their hands, “Who does she think she is?” You won’t even notice people thinking that way about you anymore. And in actual fact, they’ll be looking at you, minds blown away with wonder, thinking they want to have whatever you’re having too.